Behind the suicide attempt

I was in silence for more than two weeks. I lost my zest in blogging, there are a lot of things that runs through my mind in those times but my mind isn’t working. I choose not to speak, not to tell any of what I have been through and I swallowed that pain all alone. There comes a moment that the least I could think is to commit suicide. It’s really pathetic and the most stupid thing I did all my life.

We both agreed and decided to let each other go, I didn’t give up but the love I had gave up on me. Our love is forbidden, she is married and I am not. Even though we are not committed to each other anymore, we keep the communication open. I mean I myself cut all the communications but every time she left a message I can’t control my emotions and I let myself to speak with her again. I always longed for her at that time, I feel so weak every time she showed me how much she loved me.

We were civil, we talked. Every time she said “I love you” and “I miss you” I must admit that I can’t even speak those words, I have a hard time telling her I love you too… I always evaluate myself why and the only answer I’ve got is that I don’t know and pain overpowered my love. With all the effort she did just to have me back, I can’t pretend that somehow I got tired of dealing with pain everyday with her.

Facebook scenario: when I added her again we started to fight over things that shouldn’t be and even if we already agreed that between us is over, we still feel the commitment is there in between. We fought things like it’s all the same old story and I started to hate her at that moment, I was so damn really angry and much I really wanted to scream because I was really so hurt. The conversation ended with a both cold heart. I assume that’s the last and the communication is closed already.

Email: I received an email from her. She put all the blame in me why she lost everything, trust from other people, her job, respect and almost her third son because she ran away and people have a thought of she ran away because of me and she ran away with me. (I was the last person who knew she ran away from home and why me? She made that decision without even consulting me then what the fuck!?!)

She told me all her regrets. She wished she never knew me at all. She regretted of knowing me and loving me as well. The most painful was she told me I was not worth of all her sacrifices and even her love. And comparing me to an ex old love she had ohhh damn it! Really damn it!

when I received that email I feel so less. I was really hurt that I couldn’t move myself, I have a cold feet and my heart is beating fast that I thought at that moment I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I cried like I don’t know how to stop those tears. For all the love, sacrifices I did, I am more than willing to give up the life I used to live but everything is not worth it for her after all those time she made that realizations. My world falls.

April 11, 2010. I committed suicide. I know it’s not a solution, and committing suicide is never a solution to a problem. It was the most stupid thing I did all my life. It was the less I expect I could think. The whole day I feel like there is no way out to stop the pain. I keep on thinking how and what to do to get my own life. I was scared though but I took the courage to do it because I can’t bare the pain anymore at that time.

I cut my wrist with a sharp knife. I do it horizontally and vertically. It’s almost three inches and vertically almost two inches horizontally. I slide the knife vertically first on my left wrist and I slowly push it and I can’t even feel the pain… what hurts most at that time is the pain I felt in my heart not on my wrist. I was not yet satisfied then I gradually slide the knife again horizontally and push harder and I feel a little pain already. When the blood burst it out immediately and it won’t stop, I got scared, I was afraid, I got panic and I called the households to get some help and the initial reaction was of course everybody got shocked and one of the household hit me on my head and arms because of her worries.

We called a family doctor to come over and keep my stupidity in secret. I couldn’t speak, I am not telling anyone but they knew what the reason behind that stupidity is. The following morning, I received an email again that she says “I’m in love, and he is more than with you” and to my surprised, right at that moment what‘s on my mind was “what the hell what the fuck! Shit” and suddenly I told myself “yeah, I know I’m stupid when I committed suicide because of the pain you caused me but I was sorry for myself because you are not even worth of that stupidity I did” and the pain ended there. I became numb and felt like the love died right that moment.

After that, I never talked to her anymore. She left messages but I didn’t bother to send messages of love and I care no more. The pain has ended and finally I told myself at that moment, there is no more turning back.

Now, I am freed totally and happy even without someone else in my life!